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Telemocracy #4

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denvern | Sep 22, 2010 12:00 AM

As if you needed more evidence. It is now undeniably clear: John Hickenlooper is Satan, and hates America.

As I mentioned in the first installment of Telemocracy, the negative campaign ad is a proud American tradition. Since John Hickenlooper – Denver mayor and current Democratic candidate for governor of Colorado – apparently has no respect for the American Way, and is probably a Communist, it should have come as no surprise that he has denounced negative ads and promised not to run them. Still, it boils my blood.  Negative ads are my bread and butter, John. What. A. Hater. This man is trying to ruin my career.

See this vile display, in which Hickenlooper -- who is obviously both dirty and damp in person, since he showers in his clothes -- makes his traitorous proclamation. 


Oh yeah? You need the water? Well I need material for my blogs, you decadent squirrel monkey!

Clearly Hickenlooper isn't all that concerned about the economy, since he appears determined to keep as much money out of circulation as possible. John Hickenlooper is a cheapskate. Watch.


Just look at that drunken barfly force his employees to drink tap water while he brandishes a heady beer. And no air conditioning? Well yeah, I'll bet a warm environment makes you feel right at home, don't it, Hickenlucifer?

WELL, the Prince of Darkness isn't that cheap, since he can apparently afford his own driver for a faux-populist pub crawl across Colorado.


As you can see, the only thing Hickenlooper loves more than visiting saloons is talking about the dive bars he opened across the city of Denver. The man has turned the very city named in my honor into a playground for red-faced ne'er-do-wells. John Hickenlooper, I hate you.

For all that talk about jobs, Hickenlooper sure does seem to have it out for mine.

Denver Nicks is a High Country News intern

Tyler Fields
Tyler Fields
May 13, 2011 06:24 PM
I can has hickloop for prezident?

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